Parents of Wayward Children and Memorial Day

Memorial Flag for my dad a WWII veteran

Memories.  They can be wonderful.  They can be terrible.  Tomorrow is Memorial day.  A day to remember.  We will pause as Americans to remember and give thanks for all who now serve or have served in the armed forces.  We will honor those who gave their lives in that service.

Parents of our servicemen/women have both wonderful and terrible memories of the things their child has experienced.  I think I have something in common with them.  We both have memories we treasure and memories we wish we could forget.  Some have had their children return home maimed for life.  Some gave the ultimate sacrifice – their children’s lives.  Both of us had no choice.  We had to accept what life gave us.  When that includes loss and grief, we want to forget.  We want to deny and run away from the pain.

As parents in pain because of our children’s destructive choices, there are some things we must not forget.

First, we must not forget to feel our feelings.   We tend to deny or run away from overwhelming emotions.  It’s too hard.  It’s too frightening.  We must find a way to stand strong and face them.  Our child may still be alive, but we are grieving.  We are grieving the loss of the dreams we had for them.  By facing this pain it loses some of its devastating power over us.  We find peace.  We find freedom.

Second, we must not forget the good memories we had with them.  Dear mom or dad, no matter how bad things are with your son or daughter today it wasn’t always that way.   I want to encourage you to pause —  take a few minutes to remember the good years you had with them.  There were good times.  It hasn’t all been bad.  It just feels like it.  There is a lot to remember and give thanks for.

So tonight or tomorrow pause and remember.  Get out your old photo albums and home videos.  Jog your memory.  Use them to help you remember better times.  Have your own Memorial Day (and be sure to give thanks).   Remember the fun, the laughter, the love.  The “remembering” may hurt and re-open some wounds.  There will probably be a few tears shed, a few sighs of longing for what was.  But try not to get stuck there.   Remembering just might bring you some healing.   There were so many precious moments . . .  so many things to be thankful for . . . for what you did have with them . . . for what they added to your life.

Yes, things have changed, but hold on to your loving memories.  They are a gift.

I thank you God for the many good, loving memories we shared and for the ability to remember.  I don’t have Alzheimer’s yet!   Although sometimes I wonder!    :o)

Parents in Pain Need to Forgive

Forgiveness.  For parents walking the path of having a difficult child this is part of the journey.  If your child is causing you a lot of heartache and pain forgiveness doesn’t come easy.  When alcohol or drugs are being abused, when they are cutting or burning themselves, have an eating disorder, are confused about their sexual orientation or have been in and out of trouble with the law there has been a lot that needs forgiving.

Our beloved children have made choices that have cost us a lot:   Loss of health.  Loss of sleep.  Loss of time at work.   Loss of finances - money spent trying to help them.   Loss of or damage to our realtionships – with them, with our spouse, with our other children, maybe even with our friends.  Loss of our emotional and mental well-being.  Our faith can be weakened.  We may even have walked away from God.  How dare he let this happen to us?

We need to experience forgiveness on several levels.

1)  We need to forgive our child for how they hurt us.  And they have hurt us deeply.  It is an open gaping wound for some of us.  A mortal blow for others.  Broken hearts.  Shattered dreams.  Surgery of the soul will be required for our healing.  The pain of rejection and watching them destroy themselves.  A death has occured.  We are thrown into a period of grieving the unthinkable loss of all we hoped and dreamed of for our precious son or daughter.

2)  We need to forgive ourselves for not being the perfect parent (there isn’t one — only God!)  Be easy on yourself.  Refuse to believe the lie that it is all your fault.  You didn’t make them choose what they have.  You did the best you could.  No matter how badly you may have blown it, it doesn’t excuse their choices.

3)  We need to forgive others – those who hurt our child.  Those who encouraged their behavior, sold them drugs, took advantage of them or hurt them in some way.  This is a biggie. This was very difficult for me.  My daughter has been raped by men who took advantage of her when she was drunk.  I had so much unforgiveness in my heart toward them.  It wasn’t hurting them at all - only me.  Forgiving them has been a long slow process for me.  Your friends may walk away, too.  They can’t handle your pain.  Your suitcase is too heavy for them.  They want to, but they can’t carry it.  It’s not their fault.  They just can’t do it.  It’s too hard.  They can’t understand.

Louise Smedes said it so well: “The first and only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness….When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us.”

4)  We may even need to forgive God.  Sounds strange, doesn’t it?  It can be very difficult to accept that while he is all-powerful and could have prevented them from going astray, he gave them free will to choose for themselves what they will do with their lives.  We blame him for not protecting them from the bad things that happened to them as a result, even though they were the natural consequences of their choices.  God doesn’t need to be forgiven because he didn’t do this TO them.  WE need to forgive him, if we are blaming him and resentment is building up in us.

The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness.  These are two of my favorite verses on the subject:

“Be kind and compassionate to each other, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32)

“Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23: 34)

Why should I forgive?  Because Jesus has forgiven me and it is for my well-being.  If he forgave those who brutally crucified him then I can forgive.   He  is my example.  This is what motivated the Amish parents in West Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, to forgive the young men who murdered their children in the school shooting several years ago.  He is the how and the why of forgiving.

Forgiveness.  We need to offer it.  If we don’t it will only lead to bitterness.  It is the only way to lance our wounds before they fester and make us sick.  I encourage you to make this journey of forgiveness. It is not easy.  It is not quick.  It is a long, slow process.  It takes a lot of hard work.  But if you choose to forgive, you will be set you free.

You can read more about how the Amish community forgave in the book Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy available from Amazon. 

Heartbroken Parents Need to be Resilient

Resilience.  The ability to recover or adjust quickly after setbacks or difficulties.  To bounce back after going through a tragedy or setback.  Bouyancy.

Do you feel stretched?

This is a character quality that I need.  As brokenhearted parents we all need this.  We have been through so many difficulties and setbacks.  When our children our abusing alcohol or drugs; when they are cutting or burning themselves; starving themselves; binging and purging; when they are sexually promiscuous, confused about their sexual orientation; when they have a mental illness and are refusing treatment; when they have attempted suicide or are threatening to do so . . . .  How well do you find yourself recovering?  Are you bouyant or are you sinking?

Resilient is also defined as: “The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity”.   I sure feel like I’ve been bent and compressed.  Crushed.  Definitely “stretched” like a rubberband.  However, I have become alot more elastic and bouyant than I used to be.  Much more than I was before I went through these years of bending and stretching.

Life-shaking.  Traumatizing.  Bone-wearying.  Draining.  I lost my zest for life.  Have you?  At one point I even despaired of life itself.  I actually wished my life would end (or that my child’s would – as horrible as it is to admit that).  What I was going through was so horrific it actually felt like it would have been easier.  It would have ended the pain.

How can you rebound and snap back to who you once were?  Is it really possible?

For me it is only through my faith in a loving God that I have been able to bounce back and recover.  It has been a long, slow process.  Many have helped me along the way.  Friends, pastors, counselors, rehab center staff, support groups –  all have played a part.  Reading.  Resting.  Being easy on myself.  Simplifying my life.  Giving myself permission to feel my feelings.  Accepting that I am not perfect.  Accepting the issues that my child faces, then learning as much as I can about them.  Taking One Day at a Time.  Releasing my need for control.  Letting go of a desired outcome yet holding on to hope.  Giving thanks, even in the worst of times.

Resilience.  It’s a good goal to aim for.   We can do it!   We can recover and bounce back!

This Bible verse has greatly encouraged me as I have worked on my recovery:

“Now he (God) is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”  (Ephesians 3:20)

When Mother’s Day Hurts

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  A special day of joy for many moms, but a sad day of emotional pain for many others.  If your child is causing you a lot of heartache and pain due to their negative behaviors (alcohol and drug abuse, self harm, an eating disorder, trouble with the law, same sex identity issue, etc.) it is a day that you wish you could skip.  Every holiday hurts, but Mother’s Day feels the worst.  This one focuses on all that you wish you had with your child but have lost.  It elevates your pain.  It reminds you about your broken dreams and your broken heart.  The reminders are everywhere.  TV commercials, stores where you shop, ads on the internet and in the newspaper.  You’re surrounded.

You may hear from your child.  You may not. You may see them.  You may not.  You may get a card.  You may not.  Maybe you would just be happy to know where they are or that they are okay.  If any of these describe you, I have 5 tips for you.  They are the same I give on every holiday.  They really do help.  I hope something here will help you.

5 Tips for Surviving Mother’s Day:

1) Adjust your expectations – lower them.  If you can, let go of them altogether.  This will help you be content with whatever happens.  Let go of needing a certain thing to happen.  If you don’t you are setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed.

2) Consider doing things differently – maybe your former traditions will just make you more sad or be too difficult to do in light of your situation.

3) Avoid social media – hearing about your friend’s blessings with their children can make you feel worse than you already do and envious (not good)

4) Focus on others – do something for someone else who is hurting or lonely

5) Be grateful – keep giving thanks no matter how you feel; start a gratitude journal (even the smallest things count!)

A book that will comfort you and help you keep your sense of humor (is that possible?) is Where Does a Mother Go to Resign? by Barbara Johnson.  Click here to watch Barbara herself say a few words about it on Youtube.   I just finished reading one of her other books, When Your Child Breaks Your Heart,  and found it very insightful.  She’s been in the pit of despair yet found her way out.  Two of her sons died and a third was living a gay lifestyle.  She lost her sense of humor for a while, but through her faith she found it again.

Laughter.  Hmmm . . . maybe this should be #6 on my list?  Laugh.  Laugh hard if you can.  Let’s be honest.  It may make you angry with me for suggesting such a thing.  You may be wondering how in the world you can laugh again?  I know.  I’ve been there.  But if you can find a way to have a really good laugh it will do so much for you.  It releases those “feel good” chemicals throughout your body.  So, go watch a funny movie.  Read some jokes (or have someone tell you a few!).  Watch silly Youtube videos.  I like America’s Funniest Videos and re-runs of really old sitcoms like I Love Lucy, The Carol Burnett Show and Happy Days.  Whoa.  They are really old, aren’t they? Maybe that will give you a laugh!  I am so glad God created us with the capacity for humor and laughter.  I need to go add that to my gratitude journal!  Ha!  )

Happy Mother’s Day and God bless you with his comforting love.  And may He give you the gift of a good laugh sometime during the day.  If you need a little help click on a few of the links above and watch a one of the video clips.   I bet something there will help you laugh!

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . . a time to weep and a time to laugh . . .”(Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4a)

LAUGH!!!

A Hurting Parent’s List of Coping Strategies

In my last blog I said I would share my list of coping strategies in my next post.  This is what I like to do to relax, distract or uplift myself.

A place I like to go in Lake Wales

These things help me cope with worry, stress, fear and anxiety over my daughter who struggles with addictions (drugs and alcohol), self-harm (cutting), mental illness, has been suicidal, in and out of hospitals, pscyh wards, and rehabs.  If you are reading this you probably have a lot that causes you to be fearful and stressed, too!  It may not even be over a child or grandchild.  The every day trials of life can do this to you.

So here’s my list which has expanded to 30 things and they aren’t all “spiritual” things.  Many are just common sense and very practical.  But then I think watching the sunset can be a very spiritual activity.

1)   Listen to uplifting music (I like all kinds)

2)   Take a walk

3)   Go for a bike ride

4)   Go to the beach – I like to walk on the beach, sit and look at the water, watch the waves roll in

5)   Call a friend

6)   Read Bible verses (especially in the book of Psalms) or an encouraging book

7)   Pray, pray and pray some more

8)   Pray with someone (even over the phone if necessary)

9)   Post index cards around my home with Bible verses or encouraging quotes (this may include inside my car!)

10) Sit by water and just relax – a pool, lake, pond, foutain, or a water feature; there’s something about the sight and sounds of water that is so refreshing

11) Take 5 to 15 minutes to pull away from everything; go to a quiet spot, lay down (if I can) or lean back and practice the 3 R’s – Rest, Relax Receive: Focus my thoughts solely on God and on receiving his love.   Even 5 minutes completely refreshes me!  Sometimes I might even fall asleep doing this!

12) Read a good book or magazine – just for fun, not work related and unrelated to anything affecting my child

13) Go to a support group meeting – Al Anon, Nar Anon, Celebrate Recovery.  (they also have online groups)

14) Go to a retreat center for at least half a day (I like to go to a monastery with beautiful, serene grounds to walk around).

15) Skype with my family – especially my son and his family so I can see my grandbabies!  What joy this brings me!

16) Clean house or organize something (this keeps my mind focused on something else!)

17) Bake something I like or make a new recipie (then enjoy consuming it!)

18) Go shopping – if my budget is tight then I will go window shopping.  Look out Goodwill store, here I come!

19) Watch a fun movie that makes me laugh (I love old classics and musicals)

20) Practice deep breathing while repeating a comforting phrase – “I belong to God” is one I like; or “God is in control”; “I am not alone”; “This won’t last forever”; “Let go and let God”; “Take One Day at a Time”

21) Read stories (or watch movies) of redemption, about people who overcame great obstacles in their lives.  I find them through searching the internet, netflix, or the library.  Reader’s Digest magazine is a good source.   I find things on the internet – youtube, iamsecond.com, twloha.com, and other websites.

22) Pull weeds or work in my yard.  I enjoy taking care of my flowers and plants.

23) Watch the sun rise or set.  Take pictures of this.

24) Sing songs – play a favorite CD and sing along with it.  One I like to sing with is Stevie Wonder!  Sometimes I like to get out an old hymnbook and sing some of my favorites.

25) Read over my “thanksgiving journal” (a record I keep of things I am thankful for) and make a new entry.  Remembering how I have been blessed always uplifts me.

26) Take pictures of nature or anything that interests me; look through my photo albums; look at my favorite photos in my computer.

27) Do something for someone else  (this is a biggie; takes the focus off of myself)

28) Listen to pre-recorded sounds of nature (birds singing, rushing rivers or streams, rainfall, etc.)

29) Use a “God Box” – I mentioned this in a former post in December 2011.  Take a small box and when feeling worried, fearful or stressed about your child, write that thought down on a piece of paper.  Then put it in the box and put the lid on it.  This process is symbolic of giving it to God!  I have been amazed at how this simple exercise helps me let go of the worries I have about my daughter.

30) Go to garage sales.  It’s a blast!  You never know what you will find.  I usually go with a good friend (adding to the enjoyment), but even alone it is still a good activity for me.

This may have been really boring to read, but I hope it inspired someone to go make their own list.  If you do be sure to keep it handy so you can use it the next time you feel overcome with fear, worry or anxiety about your child, or about anything!  It really does help!  I’m sure my list will keep growing as time goes by.  I need all the ideas I can get to help me cope better.

Ask God to give you ideas of what will work for you.  I’m sure your list will look completely different from mine.  I wonder what you will have on your list?

Here are a few Bible verses that I like to remember when I need to relax:

God is able to give the “Peace that transcends all understanding.”  (Philippians 4:7 NIV)

“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice . . . He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my enemy (the power of addiction, rebellion, etc. that is working in my child’s life and my negative responses of fear and worry). . . the Lord was my support . . . He brought me out into a spacious place . . . “  (Psalms 18:6, 17-19 NIV)

Hurting Parents Can Cope

When you feel like you are losing it because of your son or daughter’s behaviors and choices how do you cope?  What do you do to keep your sanity if your child is struggling with alcohol, drugs, self harming behaviors, suicide, same sex identity issues, or a mental illness?  How do you regain your emotional capacity to simply keep going?  Where do you turn when you want to quit?  How do you hit the “refresh” button for your heart and soul?  Don’t you wish you had one?  I do!

Writer Oswald Chambers said, “God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome.”  Overcoming.  That’s what I am thinking about.  How can we do that when we feel so overcome, so overwhelmed?  The dictionary defines “to overcome” as: suceeding in dealing with a difficulty or problem; prevailing over, getting on top of or conquering; to win a victory over.  That’s it!  My goal is to overcome these things, not BE overcome by them!  So, back to the question of how we can cope.

Here are 6 ways to cope when feeling overcome by negative emotions:

1)  Be honest – with yourself, with God our wonderful Counselor, with your family and close friends; don’t keep this trial a secret – it will only get harder on you and you desperately need support.  Begin to face the frightening possibilities.  Don’t be afraid to admit to yourself how you feel.  Write it down in a journal and talk about it with a trusted friend, and with God.  There is real healing power in saying these things out loud, too.

2)  Pray, pray and pray some more.  Keep believing in the power of prayer.  There’s no magic formula, but it CAN change things.  Bring your child and your pain to God and leave it all in his hands.  He can handle it.  He will always answer – yes, no or wait.  He is the great Comforter and is the only one who really understands exactly how you feel, and what you are going through.  So talk to him!  Tell him you want to trust Him to walk you through everything that happens.  He’s listening and He cares more than you can imagine!

3)  Name your pain – are you aware of what you are feeling?  Or are you confused?  Maybe you just know you feel really bad;  anxious, worried, irritable, frightened, angry, upset & depressed.  Ask God to help you identify them.  Counselors say we have 4 main emotions – mad, sad, glad and scared.  Which one(s) are you feeling right now?  Take a minute and see if you can identify one or two.  Write them down.

4)  Join a support group or start one!  Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are two good choices.  They even have online groups!  Being with others going through the same thing is so comforting.  You can strengthen each other and be in a safe place to process your feelings.  If you would like to start one but aren’t sure how I would love to help you!  Send me a message and I will contact youthrough email !  My husband and I are available to coach anyone wanting to start a group.  If we can do it you can, too!

5) Calm down – take deep cleansing breaths; redirect your attention by focusing on something or someone else; do whatever relaxes you – make a list and post it somewhere to remind you to do those things!  Start doing them one by one.

6)  Prepare for the worst – think of what the worst thing is that could happen and face it.  Doing this desensitizes you if it should happen.  You have already felt the intensity and weight of those emotions and walked through them in your mind.  I did this and it really did help me!

My last suggestion is to pray and ask God to show you new ways to cope.  During this time work on making a list (I mentioned this above) of 20 things you can do to cope with your negative emotions.  Include things you like to do to distract you, relax you or comfort you.  Post it where you can see it (maybe on your bathroom mirror!) to remind you to begin doing them!  Experiment with them and see which ones work best for you!  Whenever you feel overcome by your emotions go get your list and use it!

In my next post I will tell you what some of the things are on my list!  The picture I used in this post is one of those things.  I like to go outside and enjoy nature.  This is one of my favorite places.  Lord, help us overcome instead of being overcome!  Teach us how to cope!

Two Bible verses that have helped me cope many times are:

Philippians 4: 6-7  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

I Peter 5:7  “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.”

Hurting Parents Need Peace with the Unknown Outcome

I used to struggle so much with my need to know how my daughter’s journey with alcohol, drugs, depression, self harm, suicide attempts and sexual trauma would end.  The “not knowing” was making me crazy! I desperately needed to know the end of the story!   Does it bother you, too?  It kept me awake at night, gave me nightmares and an extremely heavy heart I could hardly carry around in my chest all day long.  I craved some kind of reassurance that one day everything would be “OK”.  I NEEDED this!

I chose this picture of a pile of broken pieces of cement (former border from my yard) because that is what this feels like.  It is a jumbled up mess that makes no sense to me.  Just a bunch of broken pieces that look so ugly.  What a mess.

I remember a season when I could barely smile.  Certainly couldn’t laugh.  I even wondered if I would ever be able to laugh again, and I am a very happy, positive person who likes to laugh a lot!   Who had I become?  What happened to me?  Where had I gone?  I was so sad.  So scared.  So lost.

It’s been over 13 years since my journey began, almost 10 since it ramped up.  My emotions have been all over the map.  Fear and worry have been my constant companions, destroying peace of mind on a daily basis.  What if this happens?  What if that happens?   What if she . . . what if, what if, what if.  Blagh!  I was “what-if-ing” myself to death!

I can only tell you that for me the only way I have found to deal with this and find peace again has been to trust God.  To “let go and let God” as Al-Anon says so well.  I had to give my daughter along with my need to know; along with all my worries, fears and cares for her welfare into His hands, into the hands of my higher power.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  It was too much.  Too big.  Too hard.  Too consuming.  Too debilitating.  I was worn out from trying to carry it all on my own shoulders.  Peace has returned (for the most part), even though she is not “fixed”.  Of course I have my moments, but for the most part I have made peace with the unknown future.  I have let go of my need to know how it will turn out.  I have learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, with the not-knowing.  How?  By choosing to believe I can trust in an all-powerful, all-knowing God with the “rest of the story”, as story-teller Paul Harvey used to say.  Only God knows how it will all turn out and He’s got it!  So I don’t have to!

Now, I am not saying this means it will all turn out well in the end.  We have no guarantee of a fairy tale ending.  It may not end like we want.  Your child may end up in rehab, in jail, in the psych ward, needing meds their whole life, experiencing the long-term effects of what they’ve done to themselves . . . they could even die.  I’m so sorry to even say this, but it is true.  Any of these things could happen.  However, I believe we can still trust God even with these awful possibilities.   He sees.  He knows.  He will be there with you.  He will never leave you.  You can rest in that.

I challenge you to try it.  Let go and let God.  Give your child back to Him and trust the only One who knows everything.  He knows the who, what, when where and why. . .  and He is trustworthy.  If you doubt this just read the Bible and you will see him prove it over and over again.  You can “entrust your desire to know into his all-knowing.” – Sylvia Gunther, The Father’s Business.  As you gradually learn to do this I think you will see your nightmares decrease, your sanity return, the heaviness of your heart lighten and you might even laugh again.  Maybe even at my jokes!  (They’re really bad!  I’m the world’s worst joke teller!)

An amazing book that is an excellent example of parents who have learned to trust God with the not knowing is When I Lay My Isaac Down by Carol Kent.  Carol and her husband learned to trust all-knowing God with their desire to know when their worst fears became reality.  Their only child,  their son, committed murder and is now in prison for the rest of his life.  It sounds depressing but it is one of the books I read during my worst times that gave me the greatest hope.  It showed me that if I could let go of my need to “know” and keep trusting God, then one day I would be ok, even if my daughter never was.

As some of you know who have read my blogs before I always like to give you at least one Bible verse that has helped me.  Today I have several:

“Though an army beseige me, my heart will not fear” (Psalms 27:3a)

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalms 27:1)

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  (John 14:27)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…”  (Proverbs 3:5)

“But He knows the way that I take…”  (Job 23:10)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways…”  (Isaiah 55:8)

“Great is the Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.”  (Psalms 127:5)

All-knowing God, help us let go a little more today of our need to know how this will end.  Help us trust you a little more.  Remind us that you are trustworthy; that you see, that you know, that you’ve got our child and you’ve got us!  Help us for we cannot do this on our own!  Amen.