Has your child told you they are gay? Are you still in shock? Are you wondering how this could happen to your son or daughter? Is it causing you much pain and heartache? Are you wondering what to do, how to respond? Do you feel the need for more understanding and guidance? How would you like to hear from a former lesbian who wants to encourage parents just like you?
These are insights a former Lesbian (for 23 years) shared with a support group my husband and I lead for hurting parents. Her words were so encouraging and helpful. Her goal? To give parents a new sense of hope. God brought her out of this lifestyle and gave her a ministry helping other women who are seeking freedom from sexual addictions of all kinds. If he can do this in her life then he can help your child, too, no matter what their problem may be.
Here are my notes from her presentation:
1) Her main message to us was that THERE IS HOPE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Through love and prayer God can do a miracle!
2) Men and women who have a sexual addiction need to experience God’s unconditional love above all else.
3) Homosexuality, pornography, and other sexual addictions are actually intimacy disorders.
4) They don’t know how to relate to same sex individuals in a healthy way. They need to discover who God wants them to be.
5) She quoted a really sad statistic: 50% of American Christians admit they have a sexual addiction. (if this many ADMIT it, just think how many more must be struggling!)
6) An Intimacy Disorder as not understanding who you are therefore being unable to know how to relate to someone of the same or opposite sex.
7) It is generally caused from some form of abuse or trauma. Something that happened when the person was young. But not in every case. Sometimes it is a wounding in the relationship with one of the parents. It might not even be something the parent did intentionally or knowingly. A message was unconsciously communicated that the child misinterprets.
8) People involved in the same-sex lifestyle are fine with being referred to as either gay or homosexual, even lesbian is okay.
9) She had accepted Christ as a teenager, but had drifted away, didn’t grow very much. Almost simultaneously she was exposed to pornography for the first time and found an attraction to it. To justify her behavior she ignored the scriptures and simply stayed away from church.
10) There was a lot of pornography use in her life as the years went by. It gradually progressed and increased when she was under more stress. It helped her cope with strong emotions, although it was a very unhealthy strategy – like fantasizing and other things. Go here to learn more about addiction to pornography.
11) When asked about the issue of whether or not to attend the wedding of your child to a same sex partner her response was: Pray a lot about it and ask God to tell you what HE wants you to do, while you continue to stand firm on the teaching of the Bible, that it is not God’s original plan — not what he wants for us. She felt it was not a black and white, clear-cut answer to attend or not attend. Rats. We were hoping for an answer to apply in all situations, but not so! Of course, this is her opinion.
12) Pornography – what should a parent do? If your child is under 18 then take them to a counselor immediately. Enforce internet controls at your home to block access. Restrict use and restrict Facebook – it can hold a lot of dangers. XXX Church has an app (X3watch) for computer accountability. You can sign up through them to get a report every month of sites visited from your computers. If over 18 and living in your home she recommends the same thing regarding restricting internet use. You can put internet blocks on your computers so at least they can’t go to the pornographic sites from your home. Otherwise, pray for them and encourage counseling, but don’t force it. They must realize they have a need and want it for themselves.
13) Show God’s love unconditionally – not condoning the choice of lifestyle or behaviors, but accepting and loving them; create a safe place where they know they can talk to you and be supported no matter what.
14) Books that have helped her: The Sacred Romance, John Eldridge; Love is a Choice; Boundaries; Co-dependent No More and other co-dependency books. Co-dependency is a big problem in the gay community.
15) Pray for strong Christian friends for them when ready to “step out of” the lifestyle. They need strong community to support them and hold them accountable.
What moved her to make this change and come back to God was feeling a void in her life. She saw a strong, supportive, loving community in her sister’s life that she did not have when they had a family crisis. She noticed it and wanted it in her life, too. It was God’s love shown to her through the body of Christ that made the difference and brought her out of the lifestyle. She rededicated her life to Christ and he slowly changed her and fashioned her into the very feminine woman she is today!
You can go to this link to watch a video of her sharing her story. It is so encouraging! The ministry she is part of, L.I.F.E. (Living in Freedom Every Day – freedomeveryday.org), is all over the country. On their website you will see many wonderful resources in their store that any one can purchase.
May God work in the lives of any of your children who are struggling with this issue as he did in my friend’s.
Remember, there IS HOPE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! With LOVE and PRAYER and TIME God can do a miracle.
Never give up!