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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Does your son or daughter have a sexual addiction? Do they go from one promiscuous relationship (with the same-sex or the beauty2opposite sex) to another? Are they irresistibly drawn to pornography in various forms? Have these behaviors become a pattern? If so, you need to know about Bethesda Workshops in Nashville, Tennessee.

Their mission is to provide a place for healing for those damaged by pornography and other forms of sexual addiction; and to provide training for professionals who work with sex addicts and their loved ones. They offer clinical intensive workshops with the best strategies based on grace-based Christian principles.

What sets them apart? (more…)

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Do you have a son or daughter who has been suicidal? Were you paralyzed about what to do? Did you think nothing would help? I have good news

I can't. God can. I think I'll let him!

I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him!

for you. There is something you can do that just might save their life. This post is the last in a series explaining a simple, easy-to-learn three-part process designed to help prevent death by suicide called QPR: Question, Persuade, Refer. It was developed by Dr. Paul Quinnett of the QPR Institue. You can read all about it on their website: qprinstitute.com

In this post I will explain the third step of QPR, Refer. (more…)

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Are you a parent who has been worried out of your mind that your son or daughter may be thinking about taking their life? Does it torment you that you don’t know for sure if they’re in danger?  Have you been baffled by what to do to keep your child safe – other than locking them in their room and keeping a 24/7 vigil over them? I’ve been there and I know it’s one of the worst feelings a parent could ever experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.Compressed for website use 092

This is part two of a series on suicide – the warning signs and the QPR method for Suicide Prevention that was developed by the QPR Institute: qprinstitute.com  This is the work of Dr. Paul Quinnett. Please read my last two blog posts to familiarize yourself with the warning signs, and the first step of this method of prevention, “Question”.

QPR is an acrostic for: Question, Persuade, Refer. In this post I will explain the Persuade step. You can read more about this life-saving technique on the QPR Institute’s website mentioned above. (more…)

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As parents, we naturally do a lot of talking, especially to our kids.  However, as they get older, become teenagers, and grow into adulthood, for many of us, it seems like we don’t command the same attention as we did when they were younger. Especially if they’re involved in self-destructive activities – drugs and alcohol, self-injury, any addictive behaviors, an eating disorder; or if they struggle with a mental health issue or same-sex attraction.

listening5Many of my attempted conversations with our daughter went south and the clash of two strong-willed individuals resounded throughout the house. Tempers rose, voices were raised and the only thing accomplished was an increasing distance between us.

As the high school years went by these incidences occurred more frequently.  By her senior year things had escalated to the point where I think she was grounded most of the time.

I was frustrated, angry and confused. At a loss as to what I could say to get through to her, I wasn’t making any progress. I only wanted the best for her.

One day I praying about this mess. I was on my knees, complaining to God about my inability to talk to my daughter. I hoped I could change the destructive course she was bent on taking.

In the midst of my plea, I sensed God say something to me. (more…)

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Crisis of any kind can put a marriage at risk. It is a treasure that must be carefully guarded.GuardCrisis comes to parents in many forms. Our biggest one was when our daughter began getting in trouble with alcohol and drugs in high school. Our painful journey continued for years. It would include self-injury, mental illness, sexual assault, suicide attempts and rehabs – the perfect storm for marriage trouble.

In situations like these, disagreements and conflicts increase. Irritability, misunderstandings and blame occur. Grief, confusion and helplessness consume.  My husband had heard these words of wisdom years earlier in a college class. He remembered them when we needed it most and took them to heart.

What can you do to guard your marriage when you have a rebellious child?

We determined we would be more intentional about our relationship by doing these 8 things:

·         1. Make time for fun. Plan a weekly date. Declare it a “no prodigal zone” not talking about your child.

·        2. Take turns being the bad guy. Don’t let one parent always give discipline or have the hard conversations.

·         3. Put your marriage first, not you child. One day they will move on and you will be left with one another.

·        4.  Memorize and practice these statements. “You may be right.” “What do you need from me right now?”  “I’m not the enemy.”

·        5.  Divorce is not an option. Remove the word from your vocabulary and never threaten it in the heat of the moment.  This gives security.

·         6. Forgive each other for mistakes and failures.  No one is perfect.  Give grace. We both need it – a lot.

·         7.   Be a united front. Don’t disagree in your child’s presence. Work out differences privately ahead of time so they can’t drive a wedge between you or play you against each other.

·         8. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to “fix” each other. When sharing feelings, offer a listening ear and an understanding heart.

 Which one of these will you to start doing?

These Scriptures encouraged us:

“Two are better than one . . . If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”  Ecclesiastes 4:9

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13:4-8

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Are you a resilient person? What is resilience and why do brokenhearted parents need it? The dictionary defines resilience as edited for websitethe ability to recover quickly from adversity, change, or misfortune; becoming adaptable to challenges and serious losses; the ability to be buoyant. The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent, stretched, or compressed; elasticity. Parents with broken hearts are in great need of this quality – this ability to bounce back from the painful experiences they’ve endured. In other words, emotionally, we need to be like a bouncy ball, piece of elastic or a rubber band, able to be stretched but not break or rip apart. Do you have this quality?

Adapting. Bouncing back. Overcoming. Not easy to do. I couldn’t do it. Not for a long time. In the early years of my journey I felt broken and ripped apart – torn into a million little pieces. Some days were so unbearable I wished I had died. I had to dig deep into my character to find a way to survive  – to not let it destroy me – to overcome.

There are many ways to overcome adversity, to withstand stress and catastrophe. Resilience is the capacity to adapt successfully in the face of threats or disaster. Threats or disaster. Have you faced these? Have you become resilient?

According to PBS’ online magazine, The Emotional Life, “Psychologists have long recognized the capabilities of humans to adapt and overcome risk and adversity. Individuals and communities are able to rebuild their lives even after devastating tragedies. Being resilient doesn’t mean going through life without experiencing stress and pain. People feel grief, sadness, and a range of other emotions after adversity and loss. The road to resilience lies in working through the emotions and effects of stress and painful events. ”

You’re not born with it. Resilience develops as you grow and mature, learning to manage your emotions. It also comes from developing supportive relationships, as well as other beliefs that give strength and courage. The good news is that resilience can be learned and developed throughout your lifetime. If you haven’t had this capacity in the past, you can become resilient.

The Emotional Life reports, Factors that contribute to resilience include:

  • Close relationships with family and friends
  • A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
  • The ability to manage strong feelings and impulses
  • Good problem-solving and communication skills
  • Feeling in control
  • Seeking help and resources
  • Seeing yourself as resilient (rather than as a victim)
  • Coping with stress in healthy ways and avoiding harmful coping strategies, such as substance abuse
  • Helping others
  • Finding positive meaning in your life despite difficult or traumatic events
  • (I would add – getting involved in a support group with others going through similar situations)*

The main factor for me – not listed here – is my faith and trust in God. Through receiving His help and tapping into His strength I have become resilient. I have learned to adapt during times of change and transition. I have recovered from distress and extremely heart breaking challenges.  Because Christ overcame, I have overcome. He made me resilient. He enabled me to bounce back. I was stretched, but in Him I didn’t break. You can, too.

These are a few Bible verses that helped me become resilient:

“The Lord is the everlasting God . . . he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. . . Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  (Isaiah 40:28-31)

“. . . Weeping may last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”  (Psalm 30:5)

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves (helps) those who are crushed in spirit.”  (Psalm 34:18)

Eagles in Alaska

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Compressed for website use 092Are you a parent who has been worried out of your mind that your son or daughter may be thinking about taking their life? Does it torment you that you don’t know for sure if they’re in danger? Did you know that depression is the number one cause of suicide? Have you been baffled by what to do to keep your child safe – other than locking them in their room and keeping a 24/7 vigil over them? I’ve been there and I know it’s one of the worst feelings a parent could ever experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

This is part three of a series on suicide – the warning signs and the QPR method for Suicide Prevention that was developed by the QPR Institute: qprinstitute.com  This is the work of Dr. Paul Quinnett. Please read part one and two of my blog posts to familiarize yourself with the warning signs, and the first step of this method of prevention, “Question”.

QPR is an acrostic for: Question, Persuade, Refer. In this post I will explain the Persuade step. You can read more about this life-saving technique on the QPR Institute’s website mentioned above.

Persuade – This step begins with the simple act of listening. Listening well can save a life. It’s the greatest gift you can give your child. Avoid giving advice, instead do these things: Give your full attention; don’t interrupt; don’t be in a hurry; don’t make judgements or condemn, and tame your own fear so you can focus on the other person. Not easy to do.

After asking the “S” question – “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”listen for the problems they believe their death would solve. Confirm your guesses and suspicions with follow-up questions. If they nod their heads or say”yes”, then, as unlikely as it may seem, you have helped them to find a way to live.  The goal of persuasion is to hear confirmation of your suspicions and then to get help.

A yes to any of these questions is success for this step:

“Will you go with me to see a counselor?” (or priest, rabbi, school counselor, school nurse, psychologist, or whatever kind of professional they are willing to see).

“Will you let me help you make an appointment with…?”

“Will you promise me …?” (Not to kill yourself until this works?”) Often they won’t follow through because they feel so helpless and hopeless. That’s why it’s a good idea to get the person to agree to go on living.

Say something like, “I want you to live. Won’t you please stay alive until we can get you some help?” It’s reported that making the promise not to hurt or kill oneself, but to go on living, tends to bring relief and the fulfillment of that promise. Dr. Quinnett says the response is almost always a yes. The power of the relationship you have with your son or daughter (or whoever it might be) is the key.

But what if they say no?  You can still do something. Refusal doesn’t mean QPR failed. You now know they are in danger and you can take action. As of today the laws of our country say it is not allowed for an individual to die by suicide. It is not an acceptable solution for life’s problems. They have made provisions to help keep suicidal people alive and protect them from themselves.

If you are concerned your child is at risk for suicide call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a 24/7 source of help.

In my next post I will explain the third and final step, Refer.

Father, please comfort every person reading this who knows and cares about someone who is feeling suicidal today, especially if it’s their son or daughter. 
Give them courage to ask the “S” question and engage in the persuade process. Use them to bring relief to a hurting soul. Breathe life and strength into their own souls. Stay close to them  while they endure the most difficult days of their lives. Thank you for how much you care about all your children.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

 

 

 

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